The shortlist for next year’s Nobel Prize for Chemistry, to be awarded on 29 April, was yesterday announced to a packed press conference in Stockholm.
Chairman of the Board of Directors, Dr Hendrik Ssonofabitch hailed the unparalleled quality of this year’s candidates. ‘Amazing advances are being made in all fields of chemistry, but none more so than in the consumer hair care market’, he said.
Amateur homosexual and Head of Research for Herbal Essences Herbert Blockhead was the first to have his candidature announced, nominated by the Nobel Committee for his work in synthesising Elastese. This compound element (atomic weight: bouncy) makes your hair feel fresh and alive and, when mixed with avocado and mango, leaves you feeling up to 69% more energised. Herbal Essences (a division of Johnson & Johnson, a family company) also claim to make women do a orgasm in the shower.
Second on the list is freelance vivisectionist and Pantene Pro-V’s technical director Nancy Moron. Her latest innovation, Neutro-Ceramides, which nourish the hair from the root upwards for a finish that really glows, is being heralded as the most important chemical breakthrough since Salon Selectives introduced a range of shampoos and conditioners ‘specifically tailored to your hair type’, itself the most significant development since the discovery of DNA.
The third and final nomination was for cosmetics giant Max Factor, celebrating his team’s tireless efforts to harness the power of Proformium, a complex formula that breathes life back into lifeless hair. Mr Factor declined to answer specific questions about the properties of Proformium, but stressed that it offered stylist finishes at high street prices.
The committee also highly commended research units at L’Oreal for Nutrillium, Pro-Tensium and Boswelox (because they were worth it), Nivea for Aquaspheres and Olay for Penta-Peptides, and called for a complete reworking of the Periodic Table to include these new advances, increasing the number of recognised elements from 118 to 42,304.
Dr Roger D Kornberg of Stanford University, Nobel Laureate in 2006 for his research into the molecular basis of eukaryotic transcription, described the 2008 shortlist as ‘disgracefully trivial’. Dr Kornberg is bald.