Fresh on the heels of PM David Cameron's Coup in securing a £45m export deal with China, for the much valued commodity of pig seamen, the Education Secretary has invested in a new initiative to secure British jobs to support the project.
Speaking from the launch event in Stoke on Trent today, Michael Gove claimed that the new qualification in pig wanking would almost certainly guarantee employment on completion in the lucrative pig semen industry. 'Learning how to wank a pig properly has never been more important', stressed Gove. 'It is vital not to spill a drop, and release the ejaculate as efficiently as possible.'
Meanwhile, Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, denounced the scheme as 'too little too late'. 'Once again, he opined, 'this Government has been slow off the mark. Already, hundreds of Eastern European qualified pig wankers are being brought into the country and are taking British jobs. Why didn't the government see this coming?'