The Judge in the Coulson Brooks trial is “furious” at being knocked from the number one court case spot by the trial in which Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi are witnesses. He’s asked whether the evidence in his trial could be resented “more spicily” to increase press attention and is considering a “two for one” ticket policy in the public gallery, and a “less conservative” dress code for female witnesses and defendants.
“It is a bit like when very similar TV shows on different channels compete”, said Mike Smith of What Trial? Magazine, which regularly reviews court cases for their entertainment value. “Both these cases involve big attractive women with links to the Conservative party. Talk about enormous draws! And both involve alleged dark deeds in high places, and in one case, high deeds in dark places. But the press are going for the tale of exotic servants, drugs, domestic violence and money. No wonder the Coulson-Brooks judge wants to sex it up a bit. If I were him I’d see if he could get Louise Mensch for a guest appearance. If she or Nadine Dorries could break down in the witness box under pressure to reveal a saucy secret related to terrible tabloid exploits, it could return the trial to the number one spot.”
The Nigella trial has its knockers. But it’s understood there will be more shock revelations in order to keep the trial at number one. Defence Counsel Janet Smythe said: “I’ll be telling the court and a packed public gallery that Nigella is understood to be collaborating with Pussy Riot for a Russian-themed “Recipes Behind Bars” cookbook, with mouth watering illustrations of her famous dumplings. Naturally we want a Christmas number one. We’re also working on a recipe called Peaches Geldof, which should come to trial soon.