Despite assurances from George Osborne that he would tell it straight in his emergency budget, a clause has emerged in the Red Book which outlines plans for the training of dole-scroungers in the arts of bushcraft. The scheme, hidden within the reduced budget for the SureStart programme, will see sofa-huggers cast out into the countrified areas of Britain in search of a decent meal.
'It's to encourage them to stop being such a bloody burden on society, don't you see,' said Peregrine B'Lather, the new Conservative under-minister for Oiks, 'and the first incentive we think will kick this off and make it a real choice for good among the, shall we say, lower echelons of society, is to put usage of Jeremy Kyle on a meter. It will only bring in about 47p for the treasury, as these people are quite handy with a pen knife, but it all helps.'
Under the scheme poor people will be bussed from areas which are about to become much more deprived into the green areas of Britain - after the rush hour so that supersaver tickets apply - and will there be taught everything they need to know to conjure up the perfect meal for a family living in a tenement.
'The last government's left us with a hell of a lot to do' complained Lord B'lather,' and make no mistake it's tricky, but we think that by getting some poor person from somewhere else - don't want to give them any clues - to drag a pot noodle through the undergrowth and let them pick up the scent and chase it, it will set the process off and from there they'll graduate to rabbits, fish, even deer, and ultimately a greater feeling of self-esteem and a desire to contribute to the wider, smaller, bigger, slimmer, exclusive, inclusive society that we have in mind,' he beamed.
'But if they try it on my land,' he added, 'I'll shoot their bloody balls orf.'