Staff at the British intelligence agency, GCHQ, are ‘dreading’ the return of the office secret santa this year, claiming that the modern festive tradition has become ‘unbearable’, due to strict rules on privacy and ‘smart-arse’ intelligence gatherers.
‘Unfortunately I was lumbered with one of the egg-heads in the code-breaking team’, said building maintenance supervisor, Scott Porter. 'I could see him at his desk using ‘state-of-the-art techniques’ to try and ‘crack’ the contents of the present before opening it; like lifting it up to his ear and shaking it, then holding it up to the light and squinting, hoping to see a clearer definition of its shape. I get that he’s naturally inquisitive, given his profession, but I only bought him a bottle of wine. I’ve heard he’s only a temp.’
‘We’re all for festive traditions here, but you can’t just waltz about acting all anonymous and that’, said Sir Iain Lobban, GCHQ director. ‘The staff can carry on with this “secret santa” lark, that’s fine, just as long as the gifts are wrapped in see-through material with the ‘to and from’ clearly displayed on the front. It can still be fun’.