David Cameron has given details today of proposals to restrict the amount of benefits that Scottish immigrants to the UK can claim should Scotland vote for independence next year. Under the plans Scots would have to live in the UK for three months, stop pretending that Irn Bru’s better than Coke and change their ringtone to Swing Low Sweet Chariot before becoming a burden on the welfare state.
‘If Scotland votes to break away this could open the floodgates for thousands of economic migrants from Scotland, coming over here, claiming benefits and becoming a burden on the NHS with their medical tourism’ he claimed. ‘Of course, by not having to pay for all the other Scottish people still living in Scotland claiming Scottish benefits and using the Scottish Health Service we’ll be saving millions, but I’m not going to let that stand in the way of a xenophobic vote-winning policy statement.’
UKIP welcomed the announcement, but argued that the plans do not go far enough. ‘Those vans telling illegal immigrants to go home were good’ said UKIP weirdo Godfrey Bloom. ‘Why not have some of them parked outside pubs and chip-shops telling Scots to piss off home, whether they’re illegal or not?’