Although Worwood Scrubs came top for catering and Parkhurst for its breathtaking views, Wandsworth prison gained the highest score overall.
***** from guest no. 4567856434 (travelling alone)
"The food was OK and the bed in my room was reasonably comfortable, but best of all was the staff who were courteous and consideate to me at all times."
****. from guest no. 3643576776 (travelling alone)
"I was comfy enough and the food was adequate, but the recreational facilities were limited. The decoration could also have done with a lick of paint."
*.... from guest no. 5752658362 (travelling alone)
"Not a very happy experience at all. My cell was not ready for me when I arrived, even though the staff knew I would be coming. My mattress was also lumpy, and there was a lot of noise from the other inmates. I cannot particularly recommend this nick as a good place for a long-term stay."
[There has to be the germ of a good story here somewhere. I hope someone with more talent than me and who is more industrious than me may choose to pick this up and run with it, and even be able to think up some actual jokes.]