The recent unearthing of an indigenous daubing outside a hotel in Queensland, has caused anthropologists to hypothesize that the pint-sized ‘musician’ is a long lost part of our evolutionary strand. At first dismissed as ‘the work of a demented gibbon’, this garish graffiti may provide the clue as to why mankind came down from the trees, discovered fire and learnt to self promote via Youtube.
Despite its prehistoric composition, similar remedial scrawls have been spotted in Brazil; as one scientist explained: ‘The pattern of discovery seems to match the tour dates for Bieber, or ‘Phallus Erectus’ as he is known. Yes, these images are very basic but they display a rudimentary grasp of primary colours, stone tools and all the social grace of a sulking Neanderthal.’
Bieber’s own pet capuchin monkey, ‘Mally’ is reported to have quit touring with the star over ‘artistic differences’ but insiders report that Mally got distressed over the singer’s insistence that they de-flea each other, hurl faeces at the paparazzi and record a Christmas themed album. Mally is reported to have said: ‘Even an infinite number of capuchin monkeys wouldn’t have come up with that steaming pile reindeer offal!’
When not grabbing at his groin and making chimp like noises Bieber has been seen moving in an upright posture, albeit supported by half a dozen bodyguards. With his own brand of paleolithic teenage angst, he has experimented on stage through the medium of projectile vomit but is yet to agree to the online petition to ‘shove a nose flute up your own a*@e’.