For those in search of traditional festive entertainment, the co-founder of one of the world's largest advertising agency has agreed to play out his bitter divorce across every broadsheet and gossip column in the land. This entertaining mix of buffoonery, mild sexual innuendo and a smidgen of domestic abuse will enthral children and news editors alike.
Abandoning his typical 'culture of secrecy' Mr. Saatchi will be reprising the role of Prince Charming; rescuing poor Cinderella from a lifetime of drudgery in TV studio kitchen. While the ugly sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo run up a £300,000 bill on the Prince's credit card, 'Cinders' escapes to the Ball on board a pumpkin - magically transformed by the power of 'medicinal weed and shit load of cheap wizz'.
Nigella herself is no stranger to the conventions of panto, with her slapstick baking routine accompanied by audience cries of 'Your careers behind you!'. In turn, Mr. Saatchi has often turned his hand to Christmas cooking: '...gamely ringing the neck of an amply stuffed bird, who is festooned with seasonal snow about her nostrils.