I’m sitting across from God in his sumptuous office on the eighteenth floor of a gleaming white condo off Rodeo Drive, in the “Golden Triangle” of L.A.’s Beverley Hills. “Hey, things the way they are at the moment, even I’m struggling to pay the mortgage.” God jokes and flashes a smile. His dental work is, naturally, immaculate.
He’s looking tanned, relaxed and fit. “Lost the Buddha belly” he jokes again, patting his taut midriff. The robes are a thing of the past, too. Today, he’s sporting a crisp white Ralph Lauren Shirt sans necktie and a sky blue Armani jacket. God, it’s fair to say, is looking great.
And he needs to. This week, his controversial plans to “Kill off” Jesus from the Gospels have gone through tinsel town like a plague of locusts. God likes to move in a mysterious way but today, even he (or He) feels the need to explain why he’s decided to axe the most popular character in mainstream religion. And his own son into the bargain.
God gives a deep sigh and shrugs his ineffable shoulders “Look, the kid’s a pro, right? He wasn’t happy, but even he knows that the best format can always be improved. He’s had a run of great gospels, but the fact is that in some of the later stuff he’s coming across as…..kinda preachy. We’re gonna build to a big season finale, it’s going to be something special. And then….” His voice tails off tantalisingly.
Insider skinny is that Jesus is looking at a number of “exciting solo projects” including a “buddy comedy” with longtime pal Charlie Sheen. While God has confirmed that he’s looking at a remake of the Old Testament. Hugh Laurie is allegedly on board as Methuselah. When pressed, God refuses to comment on reports that Russell Crowe hasn’t been returning his calls.
Most intriguingly, however, insiders say that the exact manner of Jesus’s departure from the Gospels will leave the door open for a possible return. However, before I can pursue that particular line, God’s PA, Gabriel, who has been hovering (literally) in the background makes discreet throat cutting signs. My time’s up. God gives me a friendly wave. The phone chimes “Allelujah” as I leave.
“Jack, baby!” Calls a delighted Almighty into the handset. Gabriel silently mouths “Nicholson” to me. As I leave, God is doing what he does best. Creating. “Listen bubi. I got one word to say to you. Just one word. Serpent.” Here endeth the lesson.