Britain’s love of advertising has exceeded manmade space and will now expand into the countryside, experts announce.
With trucks, shop windows and vast rectangular boards that inexplicably line motorways already crammed with suggestions for things to exchange with money, top advertising companies have begun to eye up the expanses of greenery taking up so much precious space within the British Isles.
“Look at a patch of grass,” said senior advertising executive, Jim Morgan, speaking at a press conference in Watford. “What is its function? In most places you can’t even walk on it, what with all the ‘Keep Off’ signs. What’s the point in ground you can’t walk on? So we’re proposing putting it to good use: from now on, every useless bit of grass, bark or foliage will be a canvas to show the public things they may hope to one day possess.”
The scheme will be unfolded at a peripheral level to begin with, but if all goes well it is expected to infiltrate the very depths of the natural world by the end of July 2018. Whereas formerly cutting open a tree would reveal rings to tell its age, the rings will now tell you where to get a really good deal on a phone tariff package. Rural countryside where no one actually goes except to smoke weed and fly-tip broken Ikea furniture is expected to be picked up cheaply by local used car traders, while the big money slots in city parks will be affordable only to the big names: sugary drinks, supermarkets and the forthcoming albums of wayward child pop stars.
Mother-of-four Jillian Keegan agrees with the scheme. “Last year the council laid a square of grass across the road from my house, at taxpayers’ expense I suppose, and it doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t have anything remotely cute or funny about it, and it doesn’t help me choose a broadband provider. There’s a reason watching grass grow is used a metaphor for boredom. What are they going to do next; hire workmen to repeatedly paint my front room so I can have the pleasure of watching it dry?”
But Edna Greene, spokesperson for the concern group Mothers Against the World (M.A.W.), expresses concerns. “Adverts are so sexualised these days,” she said. “That’s why I don’t allow my children, Roderick and Chastity, access to television, magazines, school or interwebsites. But there’s a tree at the end of our street: what am I supposed to do if I’m driving them to rugby or ballet respectively and see some pornographic tree nymph coming at me with a microwavable cottage pie? It’s as if the government wants the younger generation to grow into depraved degenerates with sex dungeons in their basements.”
However, Jim Morgan remains determined. “People say it’s defiling Mother Nature, but then why is she always on the telly promoting tampons? This is the natural way forward. In fact, I think I’ll use that as the official project slogan.”