An opportunity has arisen for an enterprising individual to be paid lots of money in return for being ritually humiliated on live television. This lucrative position involves an all-expenses paid trip to Australia with plenty of free time to be spent hanging around doing nothing at all. You will be expected to act as if you are part of a team while fooling nobody that you are only in it for yourself.
You will also be expected to comply with the wishes of the vast majority of the vindictive watching public and fail miserably when called upon to face a trial. It is envisaged that you will face two such trials in any set five day period, probably in quick succession. These trials will be entirely predictable in that you will suffer degrading shame and embarrassment while being surrounded by nasty, smelly creatures revelling in your discomfort. Each trial is likely to last only a few minutes.
If you think you have the necessary qualities to meet our exacting requirements, please send your details in confidence to us at the England and Wales Cricket Board, marked ‘England No 3 batsman application’.