Scotland's First Minister has made a 'firm but fruity' guarantee to the electorate that, in the event of Scottish Independence, copulation north of the border will increase 'tenfold'. While the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles has chartered a significant decline in the UK's procreation rates, the SNP are convinced that burgeoning 'Scot's loins' have been suppressed by 'uptight Sasanachs'.
Mr. Salmond will be unveiling a white paper on how an independent Scotland plans to 'bump uglies'. The economic argument is that the people Scotland are bettered suited to the 'duvet dance' due to long winter nights, easy-access kilts and the lubrication of North Sea Oil. Speaking before a Glasgow audience he promised to reintroduce the feudal practise of 'Ius primae noctis', by bedding every person of childbearing age who votes for independence.
The north/south divide will become even more pronounced as English libidos diminish and the Irish and Welsh become 'celt-hermaphrodites'. As one researcher explained: 'If offered the choice between the mental image of George Osborne or Alex Salmond while you tickle the haggis, it's a no-brainer'. Although the Scottish banking industry will be severely compromised through independence the 'Scot's Wank Bank' will flourish with the likes of Gerald Butler, James McAvoy and the Krankies to draw from.
Scots voters will be asked a simple 'no'/'yes yes YES!' question. Also, for the first time, 16 and 17-year-olds will have their say in a referendum, in an attempt to make a 'shortbread induced sexual frenzy' a more attractive proposition. An SNP spokesman said, with Briton's having sex less than five times a month: '...if yer haff tae ask the southern eedjits fer Hochmagandy, there'll be nooo hochmagandy.' While there are concerns that an Independent Scotland will lead to higher tax rates, the opportunity to 'toss the caber' with Alex Salmond may prove too tempting.