The beleaguered Toronto Mayor has been unable to deny his involvement in the JFK assassination. Despite being only six at the age of the President’s murder, Mr. Ford has become so addled by drink and drugs that he cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963.
While Lee Harvey Oswald has long assumed to be the ‘lone gunman’, the Zapruder film clearly shows crack smoke emanating from behind picket fence. The Warren Commission concluded in 1978 that the ‘grassy knoll’ may have actually been a ‘morbidly obese Canadian’ having a lie down after ‘particularly long pipe session’.
A spokesman for Mr. Ford admitted that it was possible that the Mayor had been foraging for pizza in Dealey Plaza during one of his ‘drunken stupors...but there was no evidence that he had been the second rifleman, eaten Jackie O’s pussy or that his video death threats related to any of the Kennedy family’. Mr. Ford reiterated his plan to run for re-election, become the Co-Op’s new CEO and erect a 50ft statue to Cheech and Chong.