Newly discovered evidence suggests that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, presumed to have been ordered by the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, may in fact have been a tragic accident caused by Jesus himself while performing some outdoor DIY. A respected Christian historian now believes that the Son of God may have inadvertently nailed himself to two planks of wood after getting in a tangle attempting to put up some shelves.
‘Everyone knows that Jesus loved his DIY, and of course he had carpentry in his blood – or would have done if Joseph’s hole-boring kit had been up to it,’ said Dr Charles Forster of Cambridge University. ‘Who can forget the stilts he made for everyday lake crossing, or the pulpit-on-wheels from which he delivered the Sermon on the Mount? People came from miles around to watch his DIY demonstrations, but it now seems he came to a sticky end after doing himself a mischief teaching an open-air class on bookcase construction.’
Continued Forster, ‘All the evidence indicates that Jesus accidently nailed his hand to one of the planks while trying to fix it in place, drove the other plank into the ground to stop it falling over, and before he could say ‘Transubstantiation’ he’d pinned himself to a makeshift cross like a flyer for a Leprosy self-help group on the Nazareth temple notice board.’
Although Forster accepts that his is a controversial version of events, he argues that it is entirely corroborated by the Gospels, including sayings by Jesus such as ‘It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to get these bloody shelves level’ and ‘Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the YOUCH! No, I’m fine. No, really.’ He also cites Pilate's pejorative title for Jesus, 'the Bringer of Screws'.
While some historians dispute Forster’s claims, he simply points them in the direction of Jesus’s final words as recorded in Mark, chapter 15, verses 21-25: ‘So there you go, a couple of sturdy shelves for you to keep your favourite books on. Well, you can certainly use the one attached to your arms as a bookshelf, the other is more for support if I’m honest. And don’t forget that it also doubles as an excellent upright bed. Now I’m just going to catch me some rays up here and maybe have 40 winks. Same time on Sunday everyone when we’ll learn how to knock up a lovely wooden tomb with a concealed door for fooling all your friends.’