Classic News:

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The News before it happens

Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

'Every sodding Monday, Nigel Farage holds a press conference and every time he says the same sodding thing,' groaned a spokes-hack for Britain's political correspondents, emerging from the conference room with bleeding ears. 'It's always: Brexit hasn't been tried properly... Britain is broken... the BBC is woke... foreigners should be starved and deported. Then he goes and says it all again on GB News, for hours on end. 'We've heard it so often that we don't bother taking not

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Reform to ban Black Friday

Amazon has complained about a campaign by Reform that threatens all references to Black Friday when they get into power.

Throngsman

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Our man on the inside at Broadcasting House found this letter in a waste paper bin on the top floor, so we reckon that it is 110% genuine...

deskpilot

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Chipchase

Caption Competition

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Paulie and Ginger Dick were Desperately Trying to Make Knee-Hats a Thing.

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Liverpool supporter decides punching himself in the face better than watching the footie." (Sinnick); "Chuck was wearing his meaningful look that no one knew the meaning of." (TonyMc)

Reeves Unveils Budget Strategy.

Winner: SirLupus Runners-Up: "At the White Supremacist Bingo Hall, everyone loved Lucky Heather." (Midfield Diamond); "Helen's habit of punching everyone who took a card was beginning to annoy the regulars." (FlashArry)

Owners of Cars with LED Lights Still Deny There is a Problem with Their Luminescence.

Winner: WritinginBSL Runners-Up: "Fleeing from the searchlights and hounds, Carruthers regretted accepting His Lordship's invite to the Hunt." (TonyMc); "Fugitive spotted on the Sandringham estate." (Dick Everyman)

Breaking News

Mahmood insists immigrants have weapons of mass destruction

Labour plans to house asylum seekers in left-wings 'Big Reservations'

Egg & Spoon to split and hold separate races

Trump demands a more pro-Russian line from BBC in Ukraine coverage

Storm Claudia to be followed by Storm Rainier, Storm Windier and Storm Colder

Labour to ban home schooling so children can be killed by classmates rather than by their parents

Pollsters confounded after learning that Reform ‘voters’ can’t be arsed to actually vote

UK citizenship test to include nicknames for foreigners

Features

NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

November 2024 November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since. Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Cartoons

November 17: Homemade Bread Day

Aboard an Ovine Airways flight

An Autumn message from the Princess of Wales

Is a Reform council setting a new fashion trend?

From the Archive

International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar

Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty....

Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a...

Britain "could export its ice to North Pole and save glaciers"

Millions of people around the country have pledged to give up cooling their beverages for the next month and send the ice cubes to the...

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Our annual for 2021-22

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Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

US President Donald Trump is aiming to pick just one of the many responses to allegations regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and then attempt to stick with that.

Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out.

Starmer most hated PM? Hold my pint, says Streeting

Wes Streeting is touted as a natural replacement for Keir Starmer - someone we can universally despise.

Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

Campaigning is underway amongst candidates vying for the top job in British broadcasting: Suit-General of the BBC.

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

President Trump has threatened to sue the BBC for a billion dollars, before putting his little finger up to his lips and laughing.

Physicists discover Trumpian Pressure

Scientists have discovered a large mass with improbable orange colouring which distorts truth the way a black hole distorts spacetime.

Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor

'Don't worry' Farage chortled 'My policies will make sure there are lots more poor British people - although I won't be one of them.'

Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards

Multiple prisoners walked out of HMP Wandsworth yesterday after a Monopoly Set was dropped by Chance from a passing delivery drone. Several prisoners used the “Get out of Jail Free” cards on a confused and overwhelmed Parole Board. Two more rolled doubles and ended up going free, one with bonus Free Parking, amazing in itself in that area of London.

Reform to ban Black Friday

Amazon has complained about a campaign by Reform that threatens all references to Black Friday when they get into power.

DFT recruits MOD driving examiners - pass or fail?

In the light of the dearth of driving examiners, one learner driver said 'Tanks for nothing'

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product.

Nation’s migratory birds increasingly considering just not coming back, study shows

A survey published today shows that over 72% of the Nation’s migratory birds have either considered just not coming back or have enacted plans to remain abroad. “We spoke to over 3000 birds over the last 2 years”, Dr Gerald Brearly told us, “both here in the UK and abroad in their migratory destinations. We were quite taken aback by the sheer number of British birds that have either settled or already decided to stay in Southern Africa and South America.” Newsbiscuit travelle

Fast food chain’s ‘world menu’ not a success

A spokesman said, ‘Sales from our world menu promotion have, in truth, been disappointing. Our customers have expressed a strong preference for traditional British menu items like hamburgers, pizza slices and iced do-nuts with sprinkles. So, our world menu promotion is ending today.

Nation’s haunted ask ghosts to stop being dicks about it

Residents of the nation’s most haunted homes have come together to demand their ghosts stop being such dicks.

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace. "And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out. "From time to time, mavericks crop up

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

In a wide ranging and extensive investigation, Newsbiscuit has concluded that, contrary to many emails, MILFs in your area are not looking for you, or indeed, anyone. After a flurry of mysterious and enticing emails, Newsbiscuit reporters decided to follow up on the promise of consequence-free, morally casual horizontal delights. We put to the test as to whether there was a cache of eager middle-aged women (we discounted DILFs and GILFs for this report) geographically near, s

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place. Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain. 'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.' 'Righ

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it. Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price. Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming

The UK Gammon Index (UKGI) is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI. Gammonati are said to be purple in the face with rage.

Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

Oi, Bezos! Paid any tax lately?

“We are not a cult” says Tesla Shareholder and True Believer

“Stop saying that, why would you even think that? Being too scared that our glorious leader will leave us so we have to promise him $1,000,000,000,000 is perfectly normal and not weird at all. He is the only one who can rescue us and our money, he will save us and protect us from the woke mind virus and an insanely overpriced company collapsing if he leaves. This is all perfectly un-weird, he will take us to Mars, no comets involved as of yet, but I am willing to die on that

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One. "I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me. "Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill. "Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once th

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store. A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic. ‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British F

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits. The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the

Swiftify launches featuring only Taylor Swift songs

New music streaming app Swiftify has launched, dedicated entirely to the music of Taylor Swift. Users can listen to songs from a vast library of albums - albeit most of them feature the same songs just with different cover art - and explore music from the many genres which Taylor has toyed with over her multi decade career. Swiftify Chief Exec Bradley Brady said, '90% of all music streams are of the top 1% of artistes, and 50% are of Taylor, probably. So we figured just cut

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice. The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution. In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely output

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

A giant quarry possibly as much as 30 years old has been discovered in Oxfordshire on the site of some dinosaur footprints. The quarry has been left intact and seems to have been used by trucks, diggers and tippers to remove limestone. "Once we level the dinosaur footprints we'll have a clearer view of just what we have found," said Emma Nichols from Oxford University's Museum of Natural Quarries. "It's certainly the biggest find of its kind in Europe." Story by: rogt Phot

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Local News

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Our man on the inside at Broadcasting House found this letter in a waste paper bin on the top floor, so we reckon that it is 110% genuine...

BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

'It's a special edition of Dr Who in which the doctor, played by an in-form Nigel Farage, takes on a bunch of shifty, treacherous French humanoid machines called the Garlics who want to subject Britain to European rule again.'

Oh, NOW the BBC are biased?

'If BBC bias didn't exist, how do you explain the coverage of Gaza or - even worse - the laughter track on Mrs. Brown's Boys?'

Tories cackle in anticipation as BBC searches for new boss

'Hunting down and culling BBC director-generals is the one blood sport still legal in Britain,' bayed a Tory Party spokes-hound

Four prisoners freed in error survive as soldiers of fortune

A crack commando unit, that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit, have been accidentally released.

Guy Fawkes ‘bitterly regrets’ starting it all

The ghost of Guy Fawkes has issued an apology for ‘all the f*cking fireworks’ and says that he would never have tried to blow up Parliament if he’d known about the centuries of shit bonfires and distraught pets.

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people. "Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a

Porridge reboot planned

TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence. There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue: ‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habi

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel. Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but w

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Reform to ban Black Friday

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Paulie and Ginger Dick were Desperately Trying to Make Knee-Hats a Thing.

Reeves Unveils Budget Strategy.

Owners of Cars with LED Lights Still Deny There is a Problem with Their Luminescence.

Mahmood insists immigrants have weapons of mass destruction

Labour plans to house asylum seekers in left-wings 'Big Reservations'

Egg & Spoon to split and hold separate races

Trump demands a more pro-Russian line from BBC in Ukraine coverage

Storm Claudia to be followed by Storm Rainier, Storm Windier and Storm Colder

Labour to ban home schooling so children can be killed by classmates rather than by their parents

Pollsters confounded after learning that Reform ‘voters’ can’t be arsed to actually vote

UK citizenship test to include nicknames for foreigners

NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

November 17: Homemade Bread Day

Aboard an Ovine Airways flight

An Autumn message from the Princess of Wales

Is a Reform council setting a new fashion trend?

International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar

Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

Britain "could export its ice to North Pole and save glaciers"

Our annual for 2021-22

Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

Starmer most hated PM? Hold my pint, says Streeting

Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

Physicists discover Trumpian Pressure

Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor

Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards

Reform to ban Black Friday

DFT recruits MOD driving examiners - pass or fail?

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

Nation’s migratory birds increasingly considering just not coming back, study shows

Fast food chain’s ‘world menu’ not a success

Nation’s haunted ask ghosts to stop being dicks about it

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming

Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

“We are not a cult” says Tesla Shareholder and True Believer

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Swiftify launches featuring only Taylor Swift songs

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

Oh, NOW the BBC are biased?

Tories cackle in anticipation as BBC searches for new boss

Four prisoners freed in error survive as soldiers of fortune

Guy Fawkes ‘bitterly regrets’ starting it all

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Porridge reboot planned

GB News to live stream small boat crossings