Afghan president Hamid Karzai has called a Loya Jirga, or grand assembly, to decide, once and for all, who to vote for on the popular BBC show Strictly Come Dancing.
‘This is a question that is tearing our fragile democracy apart,’ he said in his opening address to more than 2,000 Afghan elders. ‘Issues of sovereignty and legal immunity with the Americans, while of vital importance to our nation, cannot even begin to be considered while we are divided on whether Ben Cohen or Abbey Clancy should raise that glitter ball trophy.’
According to regional expert Professor Michael Portree, Rugby player Cohen has emerged as the favourite among the traditionalist tribesmen and nomad representatives due to his warrior-like stature. ‘Ben is a strong man who appeals to the Afghan sense of machismo, despite his name sounding, you know, a bit Jewishy.’
‘Conversely, Clancy has emerged as the poster girl for female delegates, the more progressive members of the Afghan parliament and Stoke City supporters. Unfortunately they have so far been unable to mount a coherent campaign due to a virulent minority of Hollyoaks fans within their faction.’
The issue has been muddied further by the refusal of fundamentalist groups such as the Taliban and Hezb-e-Islami to attend the gathering. ‘The very act of watching godless Western corruptors cavorting about in obscenely revealing clothing to degenerate non-Islamic music is a violation of our religion,’ said a Taliban spokesman. ‘Plus we shall never forgive the evil Crusaders of Britain for voting out Dave the Hairy Biker.’
There is mounting pressure for President Karzai to broker a consensus between the opposing camps. ‘Karzai needs to take a firm hand on this,’ said opposition critic Maulana Farid. ‘The whole sorry business is stifling the parliamentary debate on more relevant issues, like whether Brucie should finally step down and allow Claudia Winkleman her chance to shine.’