The Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is to sue the online news organisation News Biscuit following the revelation today that a ‘joke’ story published by News Biscuit is actually true.
The story concerns plans to allow free schools to use unqualified teachers to ‘drive up standards’ and save money.
‘It is shocking that a brilliant plan so carefully worked out over literally tens of minutes should be published on a spoof news site as if it were not true and worse as if it were not worthy of instant implementation’ said a very objective DfE spokesman.
‘And with the introduction of performance-related pay structures these superb teachers will obviously be earning *very well/nothing and standards will be *non-existent/the same shit as other schools (*delete as appropriate).’
‘At the DfE we have enormous respect for anyone, like Mr Gove, who has the front to just walk into a difficult job with no knowledge of the subject, and do it without help from experienced professionals’
Additional measures to release Free Schools from having to deliver either the National Curriculum or any education at all will mean that as long as the new teachers are warm and upright they will, in effect, be qualified. Pupils will therefore be able to concentrate on life skills such as whatever they want.
‘Taxpayers will be saved billions of pounds so they will be happy (though none of this will be returned to them until we want re-election when we’ll just promise them a bit) and parents will only pay with their childrens education which in any case will be bloody cheap so they will be happy. And Mr Gove can be seen as the genius who turned round a failing department. So we’re all happy’ the spokesman concluded.
The case is expected to be heard by a retired insomniac from Cleethorpes who couldn’t give a shit about either side and is therefore both impartial and qualified.