With a wintry outlook in store for the UK this week, the government has taken steps to protect the elderly and infirm from the big freeze by drawing inspiration from our Neolithic ancestors.
As part of his goal to forge Britain into a ‘fitter, leaner and more involved community’, Prime Minister David Cameron is advising pensioners to adopt an ‘ice age mind-set’ and hunt woolly mammoth for warmth. ‘What we need to do is hark back to a simpler time,’ he told journalists, ‘a time when financial instability, unpredictable weather patterns and spiralling fuel costs were unknown. Basically we have to go back to the Stone Age.’
‘For example a single woolly mammoth could feed and clothe a sheltered housing community. All the residents need to do is band together and force the beast over a cliff with spears, or if necessary walking sticks and Zimmer frames. They can then despatch the stricken creature and divest it of its flesh and fur - It’s the perfect example of the Big Society in action.’
Some pressure groups have hit out against the plan, with Help The Aged calling it ‘preposterous’. ‘The elderly cannot be expected to hunt such a large animal,’ said a spokesman. ‘We’re all for keeping them active but trying to keep up with the slowest of pachyderms whilst clad in several layers of long-johns won’t be easy. Being a prehistoric hunter-gatherer is a tough job and they have enough on their plate already – apart from a decent meal that is.’
Regardless of the fact that woolly mammoths have been extinct for millennia, Cameron remains determined to see his idea through. ‘Isn’t someone is Russia we cloning them or something? Anyway, it doesn’t have to be mammoth – there must be plenty of elk or deer in the countryside. Maybe they could kill two birds with one stone and cull a few badgers - get themselves some nice slippers into the bargain. At the very least they could pay a visit to that chap who released those wolves up in Scotland, although they would have to compete with the native Neanderthal population I suppose.’