With winter approaching charities have been forced to make an appeal on behalf of neglected and unwanted company CEOs. As their average pay has only increased by a meagre £3.3m; it is feared that many directors will be left languishing in their third home, with only their personal sous-chef to keep them company.
Often the unwitting victims of cruelty and the spiralling cost of 'tasteful Topiary', company bosses will spend December cowering behind gated driveways surviving on nothing but a 14% pay rise, boardroom remuneration and a chew toy. While their natural instinct for survival allows them to hibernate during economic downturns, storing profits in fatty reserves, such a modest rise in income could see the closure of marinas, swiss bank accounts and the culling of butlers.
TUC general secretary Frances O'Grady warned that top bosses grow 20 times faster than the average worker, often leading to many over-sized fat-cats being dumped in the local canal in the New Year. 'Remember a CEO is for more than just Christmas. Can you re-home one? Stop him from huddling next to an aga for warmth?' asked a TUC spokesman. 'Imagine a middle aged man nesting in your airing cupboard; lined with share options, the Financial Times and torn pension agreements.'
'Children love their adorable insider trading, asset stripping and attempt to lick their own boll**ks. They just need simple long-term incentives. A bowl of white truffles to eat , Chateau Lafite Rothschild 2009 to sip from their Caribbean infinity pool and a small plastic box to sh*t in.'