Taking inspiration from its troubled banking arm, the Co-Operative group has announced that it is branching out into the ‘exciting and lucrative’ market of ethically sourced narcotics.
‘We’re hoping to offer customers a wide range of Fair Trade substances,’ said Walter Heisenberg, store manager of the Albuquerque Co-Op. ‘From budget blow to high-end Crystal Blue, we can cater for everyone’s needs whilst giving something back to the producers.’
‘For example’, he continued, ‘embracing the Fair Trade philosophy heralds a new age of prosperity for the downtrodden drug mule – no more easily split condoms for your exploited Bolivian peasant or desperate West Indian girl whose children have been held as collateral. They can now breeze through customs and straight to the depot with the minimum risk from massive internal poisoning. Can the same be said for our ‘Simply Value’ taramasalata?’
Critics however have accused the Co-Operative Group of ‘dirtying’ its image, citing the trial launch at the Skelmersdale branch. Here, customers were directed to a '97 Chevvy Impala in a nearby parking lot, where their orders were processed by two heavy-set Mexican gentlemen called ‘Cheech’ and ‘Loco T’, instead of ‘that nice man Martin’ from the deli counter.
While many within the Co-Operative movement have hailed the move, with one former chief executive and methadonist minister set to earn hundreds of pounds in dividends, others remain sceptical: ‘We’re going to be overwhelmed with orders from OD’ing customers who have blown their divvies on ever stronger stuff,’ complained the head of Co-Op Funeral Services. ‘I’ve warned staff to be prepared for an avalanche of orders for our entry-level package: a biodegradable coffin and no Flowers please.’
Snorted up a rolled up tenner with Midfield Diamond, blokefromstoke and Al OPecia.