Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, was forced to admit today that "we have entered a period of turbulent times for National Treasures". Citing recent arrests and ongoing convictions of what seems like the majority of 60s and 70s DJs, entertainers (in the loosest sense), and media types by Operation Yewtree, we are "facing a super shitstorm of unprecendented proportions".
The Chancellor has been involved in secret talks with the Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, for some time to put in place emergency measures to help shore up the national account. "We have decided to accelerate a contingency plan, by immediately bringing out of reserve many vaguely well known names, "Diddy David Hamilton, Keith Chegwin and Bruno Brookes and adding them to the Register of National Treasures." Similar moves are expected early next week with Su Pollard, Anthea Turner, and The Woman in Alan Partridge who plays his secretary. This programme of relief, officially known as "Quantitative Cheesing" will last "for as long as neccessary."
Challenged as to why the Chancellor hadn't acted earlier by requesting prior warning from Yewtree as to who was being arrested, he immediately snapped back "because that would be illegal, it's insider trading."