After more days of soul searching in the world of English football following the latest chastening footballing lesson – this time handed to them by South American also rans Chile – Prime Minister David Cameron has announced plans to help the next generation of English footballers by forcing average-income families into abject poverty.
Cameron cited Chilean matchwinner Alexis Sanchez as his inspiration. The Barcelona forward has spoken many times of the fact that he became a footballer to make enough money to lift his family out of poverty in Chile. It is the same situation for many gifted South American football stars, from Leo Messi to Neymar; and Sanchez spoke recently of young men in England having everything “just given” to them and that if they don't make it as professional footballers “there are still many other opportunities...to live a good life”.
The Prime Minister feels that taking away the safety net of such opportunities would force young English men to really hone their footballing skills, preferably barefoot in the street, with ball made of rags, in order to become world class players who can buy their mothers a non-rat infested home or afford life-saving medical care for their siblings.
Cameron said the plan would take time to come to fruition - with the dismantling of the NHS and placing of high calibre educational facilities out reach for everyone except the very richest likely to be a slow process - but it would be worth it to see England lift the World Cup trophy again with a team of battle scarred, self-made players who spent their youth working twelve hours a day at menial jobs just to afford their first pair of football boots.