The newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank has hinted at an "Exciting and lucrative " change of direction for the bank. At a hastily convened press conference, the new Chief Executive, who gave his name only as "Heisenberg" told press that the bank would be offering an innovative range of products that no other High Street Bank is currently dealing in, includinmg "Pure White" and "Crystal Blue".
When asked by a representative of the Financial Times to comment on reports of "Caustic chemical smells" coming from the back rooms of many high street branches and to explain why he was conducting the press conference in only a pair of "tidy whitey" underpants, Heisenberg merely stubbed a cigarette out on his tongue and stared the pencil dick down, till he went away like the little whipped punk he truly was. Heisenberg then went on to confirm that the Banks headquarters would be moving from Manchester to a mid sized trailer home on the outskirts of Albuquerque.
The re-structuring of the banks business model means wide-ranging changes in the customer experience. At the Skelmersdale branch, for example, the banks front door is boarded up and customers are instead directed to a nearby lock-up garage, where the door is opened a fraction and a customer adviser directs them to a '97 Chevvy Impala in a nearby parking lot. There, customers are dealt with by two well built Mexican gentlemen called "Cheech" and "Loco T".
Commenting on the new look Co-Op customer Bill Jibson said "Actually it's really efficient, transactions rarely take more than 2-3 minutes and those long queues are a thing of the past. Thing is, I find I have to go to the bank 10-12 times a week and I now live in a wheely bin. Still, it's better than banking with RBS."