What are Bridesmaids?
Bridesmaids are females dressed in horrendous full length lilac or pink dresses at weddings. They come in various ages, shapes and sizes but are all forced to wear the same ghastly outfits and pretend to enjoy the occasion by laughing loudly and often. The collective noun for bridesmaids is a ‘shriek‘.
What are the duties?
Purely decorative. All the male participants get to actually do stuff like give the bride away, hand over rings, make embarrassing speeches and dance like their dads. Bridesmaids are just required to pose for photographs before and after the wedding ceremony and then spend the evening fighting off the drunken amorous advances of the best man and his mates.
How do I get to be one?
You are asked by the bride. Generally, you’ll be a close friend or relative but most importantly, you need to be less attractive than her. It is the bride’s special day and the last thing she needs is for the attention to be on someone else, hence the horrible frocks. Outside royal circles, it is considered to be particularly bad form to have a nicer arse than the bride.
Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride – is there any truth in that?
Absolutely, but it sometimes takes fewer than three dreadful wedding experiences as a bridesmaid to put you off getting married yourself.