“One is doing this to prove a point, somewhat” said the 65 year old heir to the throne in an interview to be shown on BBBC2 tonight. “One just about got six O levels, and then one got two A levels, not very good ones, and then one went to Cambridge to study Anthropology. It was that or North London Poly but one’s mama pulled some strings. Then one got a Desmond, so to speak. Then like any middle ranking Anthropology graduate they gave me a jet fighter to fly and a commission in the Navy. But I’ve had to do the rest of my education by making state visits to dreadfully hot places and taking notes.”
Critics have argued that the Prince's educational record doesn’t really justify weekly meetings with the Prime Minister and a long term influence on British Government Policy, so the re-take idea is to renew faith in the future monarch.
“One can see their point,” Charles told David Dimbleby, in one of their “Tattoo Parlour Chats”. Prince Charles confessed: “ Anyone with my qualifications should probably be supply teaching in a private sixth form college in Egham, but that would probably mean living at Windsor which can be inconvenient. Downward social mobility isn’t what mama had in mind, though I was thinking of borrowing grandmama’s old social mobility scooter which is in the loft at Balmoral. Then came the O level idea”
In a surprise move, Charles will spend the week of his birthday doing quadratic equations, writing about the Amazon Basin, and creating an essay called “A Family Day Out” in French, under examination conditions. He has already selected a gonk and some sugar free Polos. He will also do a botany practical. “One has already joked about one talking the plants to sleep before dissecting the poor little things,” he said. “Not very scientific. I have a specially prepared homeopathic anaesthetic for the purpose. All the same, I am feeling queasy about it.”
Charles’s faithful tutor has been the Education Secretary. “Between you and me I despise that man,” Prince Charles accidentally told the BBC 2 audience. “I looked up a word for him as part of some English homework he gave me. But now I can’t find it. It means kind of spitty and creepy. And I do wish he would stop signing himself Michael Govt. It’s clearly some kind of joke but one doesn’t get it at all. There is no such word a govt. I have looked it up in the Palace dictionary.”