In a week of natural disasters, human tragedy and suffering, a new STI has reared its ugly head to claim its stake as the latest virtual canker to cause widespread panic and confusion.
The infectious bug, characterised by a variety of symptoms ranging from instant loathing, objection and in some cases for men, masturbation, is called the Miley virus and is thought to be a more virulent strain of the Billy Ray virus which was last heard of in the early nineties when millions of sappy housewives suffered aching, breaking hearts as a result of the constant airplay the contagion was given.
And just like its predecessor, the Miley virus thrives on media coverage and given the right amount of exposure can spread within seconds of visual contact. Its innate ability to use shock-tactics to steal headlines allows it to feed off the ensuing frenzy to sustain its life within the minds of its victims. And a recent outbreak in Amsterdam has left many wondering where and how it will strike next.
"It's really frightening," said single mother of two, Holly Sweet, "I'm worried for my little girls. It’s almost impossible these days to keep them from being exposed to this ghastly plague. So, just as a precaution I’ve limited their Internet usage to just 6 hours a night.”
Adversely, 32 year-old sufferer and TV pundit, Ian Sadler, reckons having the disease is only mildly disconcerting. “One minute I feel a slight revulsion at the actions of fame-hungry whores, the next, I'm wanking over their videos on YouTube."
However, this is not the only pathosis to have struck at the nation’s minds recently. Similar to the Miley virus and just as mind-numbingly dangerous is Hopkins lymphoma, a rare form of psychological cancer that besets viewers of daytime TV, causing them to spew vitriolic abuse at their screens whenever an opinionated, haggered looking, 38 year-old blonde offers her views on subjects such as baby names, childhood obesity and shagging married men.
“I blame the TV producers,” said Ian, “I mean they’re the ones that allow these infections to spread. Mind you,” he added, “It’s not like the old days when you could’ve ended up with something really nasty like Anal fistulas just from watching Alan Titchmarsh planting his seeds in Charlie Dimmock’s back garden. I'm so glad TV has moved on since then.”