The Secretary for State has proposed, with the certainty one would only associate with a lemming, to expose the young and vulnerable to the caring ministrations of venture capitalists. Private sector initiatives will allow for heartache to be ‘floated’ on the stock exchange, grief ‘to power’ the national grid and smaller orphans to be sublet as ‘novelty garden gnomes’.
Speaking to the NSPCC, a spokesman for Michael Gove assured listeners that privatising children's social services would ‘not necessarily’ lead to ‘sweat shops in despair’, unemployed social workers ‘forced into a life of crime’ or the ‘repeal the 1834 Poor Law’. ‘However’, he said. ‘By embracing Victorian values, victims of social injustice can set their life to the music of Lionel Bart. Any aspiring entrepreneur can use their unhappy face to carve out a career as emoticon model or as a midget pallbearer’.
Pointing to the profits made by Academies employing unqualified teachers, Mr. Gove anticipated similar savings in child protection by removing ‘pesky red tape’ (or the Criminal Records Bureau check as it is known). Subsequently the DfE has been inundated by a flood of applications from retired employees of the Catholic Church and the BBC to set up their own voluntary services.
‘The private sector has proven time and again that they will always put public interest before profits,’ said the spokesman. ‘While Mr. Gove is appreciative of the system that allowed him to be adopted; as a true free marketeer he would have preferred to have been auctioned off to a kindly benefactor such as Wackford Squeers. After all it’s not as if any wealthy capitalists have ever covered up industrial-scale abuse before’.