In response to Labour’s tough stance on fuel price hikes, the Government today announced their new ‘guilt trip’ policy.
‘Our approach combines powerful rhetoric with a total lack of action’ said a government spokesperson, ‘We feel that actually doing something to stop energy companies shamelessly profiteering may inadvertently end up hurting those hardworking families who work in the tennis court construction and maintenance industries. Therefore we have decided to take a different approach intended to encourage the bosses of these huge companies to reflect on the effects high energy costs are having on the poor.’
The planned policy will be rolled out in three stages with the first approach focussing on the ‘Past’ and spearheaded by Tory ‘ghost’ Sir John Major. In a powerful series of after dinner speeches, Sir John will recall the time before power companies when people created their own heating by burning a witch or a Catholic, until supply began to dry up and alternative energy sources had to be found. The aim is that this initial drive will serve to remind energy bosses that poor and desperate people like setting things on fire.
This will lead into to the second, ‘Present’ phase of the policy which plans to illustrate to the energy firm bosses how their drive for greater shareholder profits, leading to ever bigger bonuses, is perceived by the public at large. This will be simply and effectively demonstrated by having ‘Ghost of Present’ Russell Brand take a shit in their swimming pools.
The ministerial spokesman went on to summarise the final part of the policy, which has yet to be officially confirmed. ‘We like to call it ‘the Future’ and in short it exposes the potentially limited role energy suppliers play in Hell, with its own continuous and reliable heat source, and explores alternative future occupations for these former industry leaders. We hope this will underpin the work achieved by the Past and Present sections of the policy, culminating in a presentation depicting the energy bosses giving hand-jobs to Satan for all eternity.
Downing St has thrown its weight behind the policy and the search is underway to find a third ghost to co-ordinate the ‘Future’.
According to a government source, ‘They don’t have to say much, just be dressed in black and epitomise evil. We’re thinking David Blaine or a Nun. We did consider a penguin, but there will be some pointing duties required to adequately fulfil the role.’
Labour have rejected the government’s policy to directly appeal to the consciences of energy bosses. Party leader Ed Milliband dismissed the idea as essentially flawed in a statement which read, ‘They don’t have souls. End of.’
Energy Bosses to be visited by Three Ghosts
(1 post) (1 voice)
In response to Labour’s tough stance on fuel price hikes, the Government today announced their new ‘guilt trip’ policy.Posted 3 months ago #
You must log in to post.