Universities across the country were placed on high alert today following the possession of a student during an English lecture. A Bournemouth University spokesman described how, during a debate about Arthur Miller’s classic play ‘The Crucible,’ a female student began to froth at the mouth.
“The student was asked why Miller had chosen the title for his play, and if she had any thoughts on an alternative title?”
Witnesses described how she appeared to gasp for breath whilst searching for an answer. After failing to come up with anything, she explained that she was very tired because she had been up all night burning the midnight oil. She then accused him of conducting a witch hunt against her.
It was then that she suddenly levitated from her seat, swivelled her head 360 degrees and projected a volley of green bile into the lecturer’s face.
At this point fellow students started to scream and throw books and chairs across the room while uttering strange sounds. Others crawled under furniture, and contorted themselves into peculiar positions.
Fearing for his life, and to cries of “Demon!” Professor Good ran from the room, leaving a scene of utter devastation behind him.
A subsequent tweeting frenzy gave rise to copycat scenes at other universities, including Oxford and Cambridge where three dons were trampled to death. Overstretched police forces called upon the Army for assistance to quell the unrest.
In a statement to the Higher Education Funding Council Professor Good defended his teaching. He described the incident as ‘a cautionary tale about the dangers of student isolationism and false accusations.’
“Anyway, I’m done with Miller now, next term we’re sticking with satire.”
Hat Tip to KateWritesStuff