Reports are circulating that David Cameron smoked crack cocaine at a late-night Downing Street meeting organized by his Aussie spin doctor, Lynton Crosby, to "put some HS2 fire in the Cameroon belly".
Downing Street sources said the PM had been uncharacteristically frank about the ever-growing army of HS2 critics. He dismissed highly respected academics as "pathetic pen-pushers, disenchanted because they had failed get their snouts in the HS2 advisory trough". He described rebel Tory MPs as "pathetic little-Englanders who criticized any European initiative". Most bizarrely, he lambasted the National Audit Office as "closet Thatcherites".
It is rumored that a civil servant from the Transport Department was so alarmed by the PM's demeanour that he secretly filmed Cameron smoking the crack-cocaine, and might pass his film to the police. A Met Office spokesperson said they had not received any complaint about the PM smoking crack-cocaine, although he knew that Andrew Mitchell was a crack-cocaine addict.
A member of the Cabinet said that use of crack-cocaine was widespread amongst Transport Department Civil Servants. He added, "How else could they have made such a cock-up of the West Coast Mainline franchise and the HS2 business case ? Perhaps they introduced the PM to it"
The PM was not available for comment tonight, as he is currently enjoying a short break in Toronto.