After a grueling wait of nearly fourteen years, Jar Jar Binks has finally been brought to justice over the savage slaughter of millions of middle-aged men’s childhoods. He is set to serve consecutive life sentences; his actions were condemned by the judge as “gratuitous, unprovoked, and just not funny enough.”
In one of the biggest killing sprees in recorded history, it is said Binks’ weapon of choice was “offensively ill-judged ‘humor’” and “a sense of sub textual racism.” Many claim the awfully animated atrocity not only killed his victim’s childhoods, but appeared to enjoy doing so, thinking it was all a big joke, even defecating on the remains of them in later installments of the saga.
The case’s length has been put down largely to issues of jurisdiction, as Binks hails from the fictitious planet of Naboo, which the USA has surprisingly yet to brazenly assert itself as the police of.
The case began after thousands of traumatised victims came forward online to discuss the devastating pain they experienced watching a racial caricature with floppy ears and a half-arsed stammer massacre memories they held so dear. In court, many witnesses appeared afraid to speak, but were finally given laptops to type out their testimonials, and the findings were horrifying.
“I just had to sit there an'd watch while he destroyed everything I ever loved” one bearded man told the jury, “do U have any idea how that feels?! He is a fuck pig an'd deserves to die!!!”
Many claimed to have queued for weeks in advanced so they could be the first in the courtroom to see the memory murderer brought to justice. Upon being sentenced, Binks, who appeared embarrassed of how dated his animation is, seemed to onlookers genuinely remorseful, stammering “Meesa…Meesa…” before being carted away by officials, 'comically' slipping over twice and 'hilariously' smelling a fart.
In a final statement, the judge told those present: “I hope all those affected by this rubber-faced slug thing’s barbaric actions can finally get some peace of mind from this. And then, perhaps finally a life.”