“We just wanted to say in a harmless and funny way that gay women chew carpets and have moustaches!” said a seasoned Newsbiscuiteer, one of the many behind-the-scenes folk who work tirelessly to create the famous satirical site. People who were on the famous tour last night were taken aback by his vehemence, and the tense atmosphere at Newsbiscuit’s beating heart. “I also want to say I have been here a very long time and I am very experienced at humour!" shouted the writer. "That is why these jokes about these gay people with their unnatural faces are so funny!”
Alongside the dingy canteen, the crazily disorganised archive, the disgusting smoking shelter and the not very good waxwork of the site’s founder, the Writer’s Room is the main attraction for visitors, now that the toilet problems have been dealt with using a special solvent. It’s here they see the teamwork behind the jokes, and usually it’s an uplifting experience, as the workers cheerily adjust topical material, creating immaculately plausible news items. Occasionally, thrilled visitors can witness a huge metaphor or headline being winched in, before being lovingly stripped, upended and reassembled to hilarious effect.
Recently, though, the Writers Room has not been a happy place. Some workers have taken to wearing official looking badges, with a star showing how many years they have worked in the famed WR. One anonymous toiler said “These stars are a licence for me to do out there stuff against gays. I mean about gays. I am a very experienced satirist, with many posts to my name. The idea that gay women are a bit like men is really funny, and these stars say so, fella. Or woman!”
Others have claimed they have been “banned” from making jokes about Clare Balding. One “2 star” worker said “It’s the Guardian reading PC brigade telling us what to do again, with their Cuban vegetarian package tours, their sandals made of Yotam Ottolenghi and their tofu shirts. Well they’d better watch out. If jokes about dykes are good enough for AA Gill, well that’s good enough for me. I love AA Gill! No, not in that way, obviously. I’ve got a girlfriend and everything. Oh God, I think maybe we shouldn’t talk to people doing the tour. I’m going back to drawing male genitalia on a picture of that gay woman MP. Go away. Leave me alone.”
With tension mounting in the Writers Room, some writers say they have had their Guardians (and even Independents) set on fire while they have been in the toilet. Newsbiscuit management are in crisis talks about the future of the tours. Writers may have to be divided into two rooms. It’s understood Newsbiscuit executives have ordered a forensic photographic examination of five high profile gay women’s upper lips. “Clearly, if we find out gay women really do have moustaches, we will think again,” said a source.