The UK witness protection programme, which defends vulnerable witnesses and people involved in the justice system whose identity being known leaves them under threat, has announced it plans to utilise ITV’s ‘The X Factor’ as a cost-effective alternative to intercontinental relocation.
“What we’ve found” a WPP spokesman explained, “is, rather than having to spend thousands sending these poor saps to live in some village in Kenya for thirty years, if we just put them on The X Factor, and make sure they get through at least to Boot Camp, they will be afforded immediately and irrevocably a profound anonymity, without our having to pay for a single plane.”
“It fits the show’s premise so beautifully” he continued. “They’ll have to literally sing for their lives. If they fuck up and get kicked off the show, they’ll be left in serious danger of being discovered by whoever is after them.”
ITV, which recently doubled its amount of ad-breaks to combat accusations of cheap commercialism, say they couldn’t be happier to help protect the nation’s tattle-tales and snitches, and appears confident it can deliver what the WPP needs.
“Name one X Factor contestant we’ve failed to make anonymous? See. You can’t. Their own families have to Google them, ” Simon Cowell bragged at a press conference, “It’s a mutually beneficial setup, as you won’t have noticed, but we began reusing a large number of contestants around three series ago, and so a new slew of desperate and traumatised individuals, courtesy of the WPP, is greatly appreciated and will be great the integrity of the programme. Plus, their horror-stricken back-stories featuring vengeful gangsters and selflessly giving evidence in court should prove a real treat for both of the show’s fans.”
When one reporter suggested that not all people in need of identity reassignment forfear of lives have enough talent to appear on the show, the whole room went silent for a moment before erupting with laughter, an ITV spokesman chortling “ahh, good one, Dave!”