Despite the much publicised introduction of television cameras in the Court of Appeal, it appears that the general public are still confused about what exactly lawyers and Judges are talking about during legal proceedings.
To address this confusion, the Courts Service has compiled the following guide and requested that it be published in all appropriate media outlets:
Q. What the hell was going on?
A. The best person to answer that question is the Judge who dealt with the case. "It was quite simple, really. The case was just a straightforward application under Section 12(1)(b)(iii) of the Criminal Justice (Appeal Courts and Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1979 as amended by Rule 14 of The Rules of the Supreme Court 2012 in which the Defendant asserted, in pursuance of his rights under the aforementioned legislation and Rules, to which he was entitled as a convicted prisoner serving a term of not more than twenty four months, to reduce the period of his sentence on licence to not more than six months from the date of any release as and when approved by the multi-disciplinary agency approving release under the parole provisions as presently constituted", he explained.
Q. Who were the goodies and who were the baddies?
A. The goodies were the ones who wanted to lock people up for longer and the baddies were the ones who wanted to set people free. This is what passes for logic in the criminal justice system.
Q. Which one was the paedo?
A. No-one. The case related to a charge of fraud.
Q. Was the fraud paedophile-based?
A. No. Believe it or not, the Courts frequently deal with cases not involving paedophiles. This was one of those cases.
Q. Who was that weirdo guy in the dress, then?
A. That was probably the Judge.
Q. Where was Judge Judy?
A. Judge Judy has not been appointed to the British Court of Appeal yet. She is an American judge. American judges are pompous and opinionated morons, whereas British judges are, eh, British.
Q. I missed the phone line numbers for voting on whether or not to allow the appeal. Where can I find them?
A. There are none. The decision is made only by the Judge.
Q. What if the Judge gets it wrong?
A. Judges never get it wrong.
Q. Why is there an appeal Court, then, if Judges never get it wrong?
A. Er, pass.
Q. How do I get into the Court of Appeal?
A. The best way to get into the Court of Appeal is to be a ruthless, amoral, criminal bastard. This will qualify you to appear in the Court of Appeal as a Defendant, a lawyer or even a Judge.
Q. What if I still don't understand what's going on in the Courts?
A. Sit quietly at home and thank your lucky stars that you haven't been caught up in the criminal justice system yet.