One of the few remaining figures in 70’s light entertainment not to be questioned as part of Operation Yewtree yesterday admitted molesting himself on repeated occasions over a 30 year period.
Ernie Laffan, 73, the popular host of “The Big Laff” between 1978 and 1989, told officers at a West London station that some of the cases of historic self-abuse had taken place in Hotel Suites, backstage at Blackpool’s Central Pier Theatre, at his Auntie Esme’s in Cleckheaton, in the Green Room of the Russell Harty Show, under the table at a Water Rat’s Tribute Dinner to Matt Monroe, in an ante-chamber of Didsbury Freemason’s Hall, in several minicabs in the Catford area, behind one of the Lesser Sarsens at Stonehenge, by a large display of French Fancies in the food hall at Harrod’s, at the London Palladium while waiting in line to shake hands with the Duke of Edinburgh at the 1983 Royal Variety Performance, beneath the bar of The Woolpack while filming a cameo for “Emmerdale Farm”, in the Tardis while portraying Slurth the Gruntle in a Sylvester McCoy episode of Dr Who entitled “Dawn of the Bogons” and on top of a conference table at BBC Headquarters in front of the then Head of Light Entertainment.
Detective Inspector Roy Mackenzie from the Operation Yewtree squad said earlier today “Mr Laffan is the only entertainer from his era who hasn’t been charged, questioned or publicly revealed to be a predatory paedophile or creepy old sex pest. Frankly, I think he felt a bit left out. We’ve explained to Mr Laffan that as both the alleged victim (Mr Laffan) and the alleged perpetrator (Mr Laffan) were well over the age of criminal consent at the time of the alleged offences, any charges we might be likely to bring would be, to say the least, unsafe.”
Mr Laffan has since added to the list of alleged instances of self-molestation by adding that he vaguely remembers fingering himself as a Sea Scout in Accrington in 1962 to which DI Mackenzie has himself since responded “Oh, For f*cks sake.”
In a connected incident seemingly due to a misunderstanding in Mr Laffan’s statement, a team from Yewtree interviewed the writer and columnist Will Self. When their mistake was discovered, Mr Self received an apology from the officers, to which he responded “Once more, a miasmic penumbra of schadenfreude descends upon the zeitgeist.” at which point, the officers asked Mr Self to please sod off.