In a lavish ceremony at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, an emotional Blokefromstoke accepted his Golden Biscuit from Annette Benning. Miss Benning, appearing as she did in the cult hit “The Grifters”, briefly had time to whisper her room number at the Beverly Hills Hilton to him and to indicate by surreptitious nods that her silver applique Versace handbag contained handcuffs and Thousand Island Dressing before Mr Bloke began his emotional acceptance speech:
“Wow. I mean like. Wow. I just want to say thanks to so many people. God, of course, and the existential idea of a superior cogniscant power not necessarily allied to the personification of a supreme being or beings, Mr Rafiq from the off-licence, the kids at college who are going to realise by 9.05am tomorrow morning that I haven’t prepared worth a budgie’s dump for any of my lessons, and all of my dear colleagues at work who are still wondering “does he still actually WORK here or what?”
“But of course this award belongs to all the wonderful people at NewsBiscuit who, in such a short space of time, have made me feel loved, welcomed and vaguely resented. Especially to……deceangli, Dick Everyman, beau-jolly, bonjonelson, Jesus H, AReader, Cinnahmon, Oxbridge (my grammar guru!), AlOpecia, Sir Lupus, FOAD, Paddy Berzinski, Squudge, Psycadelic Squirrel, Wrenfoe, VanHelsink, Ref Minor, Medic 12471, Godly1966, Tripod and blacklesbian[b]
“And last of all to Wayland, who I never knew and never met, but whose spirit lives on in me!*…..So thank you, thank you. You like me! You really really like me!”
*Seriously, somebody needs to explain to me who this guy was – if he’s really from Stoke I might very well know him!