Following pictures showing the Cerne Abbas giant with a Movember moustache, Jeremy Paxman has declared the chalk giant to be "if anything, a little under-endowed. If I came home with an erection that ordinary, my wife would be very disappointed".
Since the recent demotion of Ross Kemp to Cockney Cuckold, Paxman has risen to the Number One TV Hardman slot, a position he intends to retain. "I'm the daddy, and don't you forget it. If Kemp wants the top slot back he's going to have to meet me in the University Challenge carpark and show me what he's got".
Paxman is believed to have sired more than 300 love children, some simply by looking at the mother "in a certain way".