Scientists working on canine body language have shed more light on how the movements of Wayne Rooney's arse are linked to his mood.
"We know that in dogs a left-handed or right-handed wag indicates nervousness or happiness. Wayne Rooney's movements are surprisingly similar to a dog's. When faced with a big central defender his butt rotates anti-clockwise, indicating anxiety, whereas when an elderly woman gives him a come-on, his butt rotates clockwise indicating excitement"
Scientists have revised their estimate of Rooney's IQ upwards since making the breakthrough. "Previously we had him down as one of the lower mammals, but a dog is quite respectable, really".