The Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive costuming to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonization of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police freely admit that having exhausted their supply of 'freaky looking' paedophiles to prosecute, the Yewtree investigation will have to include celebrities 'we actually like'.
Previously the Government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and all tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately the agreed classification has become undermined by the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of 'Ted Bundy's mojo' and Lady Gaga looking like a 'transgender Jimmy Savile'.
Researchers into Behavioural Science have concluded: 'It is a well known fact that attractive, young and charismatic individuals are incapable of committing crime. Likewise, curmudgeonly OAPs with diminished fame are likely to be guilty of something. But gone are the days when petty thieves carried bags with 'swag' written on them. Not every evil doer looks like Pol Pot, Harold Shipman or Rebekhah Brooks.'
A spokesman for Mr. Grayling said: 'Attributing blame and feelings of anger for having drone death rained on your head needs a President who looks like George 'Alfred E. Neuman' Bush, not a kindly Chicago lecturer like Mr. Obama. It's easy for us support the notion of incarcerating 70's abusers when they resemble the love child of Boris Johnson and the Chuckle Brothers. But it's rather unsettling when popular or friendly faces get targeted - I always found Paul Gambaccini rather charming and I'm quite fond of 'It's a Knockout'. And what happens if David Jason gets 'pinched'? That's half my box sets down the pan'. New proposals will ensure masks reflect inner demons - David 'butter wouldn't melt' Cameron will adopt a Margaret Thatcher facade, Dick Cheney will use the guise of Voldemort and Dave Lee Travis will appear as himself.