Police sources in New York City have confirmed that Conservative commentator Louise Mensch exploded in a midtown Manhattan Restaurant 4pm yesterday, local time.
Attending the scene, Office Bernie Huckmeyer of the New York Police Department told a press conference “We believe that Miss Mensch was involved in an animated conversation about the English Guardian Newspaper, which turned into a tirade against Edward Snowden, which became a full-on rant about some guy called Alistair Campbell and then she apparently got started on her old Geography teacher at High School and went completely bat-poo insane.”
Officer Huckmeyer said that it was at this point that Miss Mensch’s eye’s began to “Glow pale purple and she was gradually enveloped in a cloud of pale green sulphurous smoke.” Shortly after that, patrons at the Russian Tea Rooms on West 57th Street witnessed a “powerful localised blast” as the former Tory MP spontaneously blew into several large fragments.
There were no injuries at the scene although a junior Fox executive sitting in a neighbouring booth was splattered with several large chunks of Miss Mensch’s viscera.
Later that evening , Tweeting about the experience, Miss Mensch told followers in a string of upbeat tweets,that after hurried surgery at Cedars of Sinai Hospital, her new titanium exoskeleton and purpose-built animatronic tweeting arm would allow her to quadruple her output of shrill, spiteful bilge.
On being told of the incident, Alistair Campbell smiled wickedly, punched a small orphan and stuck a fat envelope labelled “STATE SECRETS” addressed to “TOP EVIL GUY, AL QAIEDA” into a postbox before swirling his opera cape, hailing a hansom cab and disappearing into the mists of Whitechapel.