The Secretary of state for Education, Michael Gove has announced the appointment of a new Chief Inspector for Schools. Ronnie “The Animal” Henderson has been brought in to, in Mr Gove’s words, “Add rigour and robustness to the Schools Inspection Framework”.
Interviewed yesterday in his offices at Union Jack Minicabs in Bethnal Green, Mr Henderson outlined his aims for the post as being “Not to take any bunny” He warned that inadequate schools would be encouraged to improve their performance by a mixture of mentoring and tough sanctions, or as Mr Henderson put it “First time it’s verbals. Second time it’s claret and snot all over the Staffroom carpet.”
Questioned about the wisdom of bringing in a 1980’s East End Screen Gangster without a formal background in Education to this key role, Mr Gove maintained that Mr Henderson would bring a “Refreshingly Can-do” approach to the job, pointing that already, School Inspectors had been issued with full length camel overcoats and slightly battered black Jaguars as part of a “business like new approach” to inspection.
Reaction to the new inspection regime has not been overwhelmingly favourable. Brian Edwards, Headtacher of Marshbrook High School in Welwyn Garden City, described his recent experiences : “These two large men appeared without warning in my office. One of them knocked the school volleyball cup off my desk and the other one said I had a nice little school here and it’d be a shame if anything was to happen to it. Then he winked, patted me on the cheek, put a ten pound note in my top pocket and told me to go and get something nice for the missus.”
Acknowledging the misgivings of teaching professionals to his new innovations, Mr Henderson met with a delegation of headteachers at 2am this Tuesday in a disused slaughterhouse in Bermondsey. Further meetings with teachers are scheduled to be held in a remote clearing in Epping Forest and in the Snug of a Whitechapel Boozer.
Uncertainty still persists as to the sudden departure of Mr Henderson’s predecessor, Sir Michael Wilshaw. Although an unnamed source close to Mr Henderson claims that Sir Michael has taken up a new position as part of the foundations of a recently-built Nando’s in Romford.