After years of planning and research the launch of the world’s most ethically-cleansed national newspaper, The Leveson Enquirer, will take place early next year.
In a long and painstaking recruitment process to find an editor, without ‘stain’ or ‘blemish’ newspaper owners, Whitehall Press Ltd finally admitted failure. Instead the company has announced the appointment of a computer generated Droid.
Described as a cross between HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey and the nation’s favourite light operatic singer, Katherine Jenkins, the Droid will work 24/7 365 days a year to filter out any libelous or offensive material to safeguard the public.
Like its famous counterpart, HAL, it is also programmed to destroy any out of line hacks in order to protect and continue its government and lobbyist programmed directives.
A spokesman for Whitehall Press Ltd said, “The Leveson Enquirer will only ever harness the truth. Our Droid will search for totally wholesome content, particularly from the ruling government and royal sources. With assistance from GCHQ, it will also utilise ethical hacking and surveillance techniques to replace the clumsy and crude activities of maverick journalists.”
The Leveson Enquirer will be forcibly delivered to every household in the country with an as yet undisclosed annual subscription. "This will be decided at our next group shareholders meeting."
Rumours that Prime Minister, David Cameron has also directed the BBC to consider the appointment of the Droid to replace its governing body were quashed after it was overheard saying, “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”