The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt today jubilantly announced that the government target for 'zero' penis-extension spam has been achieved, although they hadn't managed to 'nip this thing in the bud'. The reduction has been largely attributed to intervention from Health and Safety operatives, who are experts in such matters.
A spokesman from Sainsbury's admitted that they had removed all tins of spam from the family-planning section of their stores after advice from both H&S and nutritionists.
Junior manager Ernest Holtom confirmed "Apparently the food labelling did not adequately reflect the salt and fat content that might be consumed as a 'typical serving' of penis extension. Portion control was not helped by ambiguous marketing emails using terms such as "max inches" and "subway express train for your laydeee". There were also no clear warnings on the packaging to suggest that children be supervised by an adult when carving a penis extension using a sharp knife.
We are currently showcasing spam products in a wholesome 'family meal deal' package of spam fritters, sauced with 'Nigella's crème anglaise' (available pre-whipped), to be followed by spotted dick. Nothing complicated there." he said.
Not everyone is happy with the new reforms. Spam afficionado and professional white van driver Dave Mellish complained. "Now if you read the packaging carefully you are forced to realise you may be doing something 'unhealthy'. That might put you off your stroke."