In the face of complaints from every country on the planet, James Clapper, Director of the National Security Agency, was bullish about his organisation’s activities.
“Thanks to the sterling efforts of our surveillance people”, he said, “we’re getting clued-up about our good friends in Europe. We know Angela Merkel’s favourite pizza toppings. Hold the anchovies, chef! We know the date and venue of Berlusconi’s next bunga-bunga party. I hope the invitations are in the post, Silvio! Oh, I’m hearing in my earpiece that they are”.
Having harvested huge amounts of data, the NSA are now aware that Luxembourg is a country and not, as they‘d previously thought, some kind of fruitcake. But there are still glaring gaps in the organisation’s knowledge base, especially about Britain.
“We don’t understand why the Brits would elect a man as Mayor of London who doesn’t appear to speak the language. We still don’t know what it is that makes Britain ‘Great’, and suspect it’s one of those deadpan British jokes... like ‘special relationship’. We're aware of Nick Clegg’s collar size and his sexual proclivities, but one big question remains unanswered: Nick Clegg... Why?”...