“It’s a no-brainer, really”, said the Archbishop of Canterbury. “We wanted to make the Church more relevant to the modern world, and we needed to save money. This ticks all the boxes. Everything else in Britain is being outsourced to China, so we’re just being modern. Finally we can get away from the whole ‘Midsomer’ image and embrace a sleek, high-tech, iPad vibe. I was hoping that Apple would bid for the contract, but they’ve got their hands full with the Buddhists.
“Of course we’ll keep the ‘England’ brand and logo. But the liturgy will be delivered remotely from Beijing, and Communion wafers will arrive via Amazon. As well as saving money, parishioners will benefit from some enhanced services – for an additional fee they can upgrade to Roman Catholic, and there are plans to introduce a special fast-track option for wealthier Anglicans who don’t fancy the whole, you-know ‘judgmentalism’ associated with organised religion. They can book their place in Heaven now and just enjoy the rest of their lives.
Critics have questioned the wisdom of putting an atheist country in charge of a major religion, but the Archbishop isn’t concerned. “If we trust them enough to control several nuclear power stations in the heart of Britain, who am I to question them?