The White House will "absolutely" keep its surveillance operations private in future, spokesperson Jon Jones confirmed today. The announcement follows revelations that US secret services had tapped the phone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel. "The CIA was very upset at these revelations, and we are sensitive to that" said Mr Jones "not to mention a little scared. So we'd like to reassure the heavily armed spooks that we take their privacy very seriously."
"The president also understands that Ms Merkel doesn't want the world to know that she'd let her antivirus software lapse, or that she had innocently downloaded our iSpy app thinking it was a game to play with her grandchildren" added Mr Jones. "So in future we'll be sure to keep all phone tap data to ourselves and only use it to for world domination. Kind of like a reverse News of the World."
The spokesman rejected claims that the US was conducting a covert campaign against its supposed allies. "Covert is such a sinister word - we prefer intelligence gathering. And we understand the need for constraints on intelligence - which is why we've planted a spycam on Boris Johnson. Although the images we've been getting from that take us back to News of the World territory again...."