The met office have been encouraged to issue a statement today after an influx of queries related to the definition of hurricanes, and why the UK never seems to admit to one. Media sources have cited increasing alarm over projected windspeeds for the St Jude's Day 'storm', coupled with video clips of Michael Fish blooping in 1987 and irksome Facebook postings from americans urging "Stay safe!"
Meteorologist Jesper Thornton (PhD), offered that the fact that UK never experiences a hurricane can be attributed to a mixture of science, and 'the old ways'. "Firstly, there is a naming convention based on 'location, location, location'. Hurricanes, cyclones, and typhoons are really all the same weather phenomena, with sustained winds of 74 mph or higher. We simply use different names for these storms in different places. In the Atlantic and Northeast Pacific, we use the term 'hurricane'. Similar disturbances in the Northwest Pacific are called a typhoons, or cyclones in the South Pacific and Indian Ocean.
Back at Blighty, bang on the Greenwich meridian, we adopt a more centred approach and simply refer to such things as 'rather inclement', and 'likely to be a nuisance'. Only after the event, if the impact has been sufficiently impressive, is it proper to refer to it in retrospect as 'The Great Storm'.
The Met Office exemplifies British reserve by refusing to issue red alerts until the last decent moment. On this occasion, as the storm looks like it is going to be bothersome, an amber alert has been issued an unprecedented four days in advance". Jesper explained, "Amber tends to denote when one needs to use clip-on weights on the tablecloth at the picnic table, or drag the wheelie bins where they are less likely to tip over."
Meanwhile in Cornwall, there have been unconfirmed reports of a huge wicker man, erected facing the Atlantic, with terrified voices wafting from it. Locals have dismissed suggestions that one of them, emanating from the head, was Michael Fish yelling "I never said there was no hurricane coming. Never!" In the lower mid-section of the wicker man, another voice was heard howling "I didn't said 'plebs' you lying bastards!". Locals have deflected enquiries stating that it was a custom that outsiders would not understand. Police confirmed that no further action would be taken at this time.