Professor Richard Dawkins and the Archbishop of Canterbury have announced they are going to settle their differences “like men”, with a baking showdown on live TV that'll end the God controversy for all time. The winner will have his version of the origins of the Universe and the meaning of life accepted as the official creed in England.
After a testosterone-fuelled press conference at which they brandished rolling pins and threatened to “wipe the floor” with each other on the big day, they have now cancelled all public appearances in order to perfect their bread-making skills.
The Great God Bake-off will be aired on Christmas Eve, to what's expected to be a record audience. “Picking the day before Jesus's birthday was a master stroke of timing”, says TV critic Paul Greene. “It'll build up the suspense to unbearable levels. If Dawkins wins, Christmas will be cancelled, of course”. If he beats the Archbishop, he'll also be allowed to bulldoze St Paul's Cathedral and torch Lambeth Palace on live TV.
In the event of a draw, the Church of England will be officially declared agnostic, a prospect complacently described by one Church insider as “business as usual”.