“It’s a marriage made in heaven, but it’s got Danish written all the way through it,” said Lars Smytt, brand manager for Denmark’s latest marketing success, which from tomorrow will feature on mortuary slabs and breakfast tables worldwide, with the slogan “Grizzly and sizzley!” Murder Bacon will the first ever cross platform cured meat/crime fiction product. It brings together the best of Denmark’s two top exports - grizzly murder among miserable remote communities, and sizzley top-of-the-morning bacon slices, taken from selected farms across Scandinavia’s most depressing country. And of course there’s a twist. Murder Bacon goes on sale tomorrow. But its creator Lars Smytt of Danish Meat Industries is dead.
“In the space of two days, on a visit to Britain, I got the idea,” Smytt said in his last ever interview. “ I read about a protester who said “meat is murder.” I am a big fan of the suicidal lesbian detective from Silkeborg, Elizabet Sodastrim. Her rough-knit jumpers and traditionally embroidered body bags have already succeeded in child abuse spin-off merchandise. And of course I am also an expert in shifting the cadavers of pig. So it all came to me in a flash of preserved flesh. At first I called it Cure and Kill. Then Murder Bacon".
From tomorrow, inside one in ten thousand vaccuum packs, streaky consumers will find clues to an unfolding Channel 4 TV murder story. “It’s a bit like Willy Wonka, but much darker," conceded Smytt. “A small number of customers will find, alongside their rashers, an evidence bag with a single hair, a blood stained note, a sample of DNA, a used tissue, or other forensic surprise. These of course are hygienically segregated from the cured meat product. And these lucky people will use these mucous samples to help solve the TV crime.” What Smytt needed to complete the idea, was a story. On the second day of his UK visit, he came across the words “Outdoor Reared”.
“I had read about some strange British sexual practices and first thought this was what was meant by Outdoor Reared. I didn't know there was a bacon or sausage link. So, after Googling I had the motive, the product (bacon) and the the setting - a car park on the outskirts of Doncaster. I phoned Elizabet Sodastrim and the head of the meat company that very day.” A day later, Smytt had disappeared.
Some say Smytt’s suspected murder was a publicity stunt. Others believe it’s the work of a jealous pastry conglomerate from the same country. Others say that his body – still missing – has been cured and smoked and is now being distributed to supermarkets as part of the promotion, threatening a horsemeat style reaction. It’s understood the police are examining a family size frozen gammon which may have been used in the attack.
Detectives have been questioning a famous literary family, about to launch a vegetarian lentil-based detective product, believed to be called "Dahl M For Murder."